A note to present self

My problem is that I feel too much. Everything is too much. I can’t seem to be without intensity. And it tires my body and my soul. I’m fed up, I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to be nothing or at least a light breeze. Everything for me is too heavy. And I don’t understand why. Because with me? I’m tired. Any feeling that comes to me, doubles in size — I would even dare say it triples.

Most of the time, this intensity is not reciprocal, so I carry the weight of the feelings alone. If anyone could see this, I would see that my soul is already hunchbacked and carries an infinity of chaos on its back. It turns out that I no longer have energy, the weight has already overcome me; I can’t walk anymore, so I drag myself. One hour, I will not be able to move anymore, and so it is how my intensity will beat me in a predictably strong way.

I don’t know how it sounds right now but to me it always seemed like a precious thing. People have always been my priority, have always been the central focus of my life. And isn’t that how things should be? Isn’t building relationships that mean something one of the more important things in life? Isn’t it one of those few things that actually matter? But now, after ten years I feel a lot differently. I realize that people being your priority works well only when you too are a priority for them.

Otherwise you’re just going to find yourself at this point in your life where despite having always been there for those you care about, you only really see their true colors of selfishness and pettiness when it’s the first time in life you need them for something. I’ve reached that point. I am done. I am done thinking love and friendship and pure connections are what matter the most. They can’t with such people. And there’s hardly anyone I’ve come across that’s an exception. This long-term investment of my emotions, time and energy has gone bad. I have lost much. It’s time to apply stop-loss and end this here. Let’s stop now.